The workshop that I held recently was created to help the attendees understand the “why” behind our journey of wellness. It was designed to answer questions like these:
“Why do I get stuck?”
“How come I can’t seem to make a healthy life plan stick?”
“How can I understand myself and what’s going on in my brain a little better?”
“What strategies can I begin to implement to lead me toward wellness?”
I want to give a quick overview of what our first presenter Dave, spoke about. I believe that if we can begin to understand what is going on inside when we are reactive (anxiety, over-eating, self-sabotage, depressive episodes), we can start to have compassion for ourselves and that is where the work begins.
The day started with Dave Phillips, psychologist and wellness director for CLAC. He began by explaining what Internal Family Systems (IFS) is. Pain and trauma from the past affects our choices to medicate, changing our “parts” (aspects of our personality). How then, can we work with these powerful and unpleasant feelings?
In fact, it doesn’t matter how hard you try, when you’re body feels like it is in danger, it will do what it needs to survive. When we experience powerful, negative emotions, our ability to control it, is gone.
So, how do we work with this? Good news! Neuroplasticity! The brain’s ability to reorganize itself by forming new neural connections throughout life. Neuroplasticity allows the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain to compensate for injury and disease and to adjust their activities in response to new situations or to changes in their environment.
A -Situations
B -My Interpretation (What is going on inside me? -The work we need to do is here).
C-My Emotional Response
The brain is Teflon for the positive and Velcro for the negative. In other words, those positive comments, voices, etc are important but do not have nearly the impact to our brains as the negative. To the brain, survival is everything!
If you are having an intense reaction to something, that is YOURS. Own that reaction and know that it means something is going on inside of you. That is something to compassionately explore by asking yourself these questions:
- Why do I get triggered?
- Why do my emotions go through the roof?
- Why does my brain believe it is in danger?
Try to look at it like a “part” of you got triggered. All of our “parts” respond to calmness, maturity and compassion.
What we know about Neuroplasticity and IFS (Internal Family Systems):
- Given the evolutionary development of the brain
- Given our genetic templates
- Given the condition of our family experience
- Given our norms, culture and society……
WHO WE ARE….AND HOW WE COPE….IS NOT OUR FAULT.
- Given Neuroplasticity and the power of our choice….
WHO WE ARE….AND HOW WE COPE….BECOMES OUR RESPONSIBILITY
HOW? Through deep compassion.
The work is to become familiar with our “parts”. No “part” of us is bad, even if it hurts us. In fact, this multiplicity of self is normal and healthy. Our parts can be categorized into Exiles and Protectors.
Managers – have pre-emptive protective roles. They handle the way the person interacts with the external world. For example maybe you’re a perfectionist. Some common Managers are parts like the people pleaser, the joker, the high achievers, the organizer. Again, all of our parts are working very hard to protect us from pain. Sometimes these parts become so big that our “self”, who we truly are, gets pushed aside and lost.
Exiles – Our Exiles are parts of us that hold onto fear, shame, pain and trauma. Our system fights to protect us from experiencing these feelings again and will do what it takes to protect us.
Firefighters – parts that emerge when Exiles break out and demand attention. These parts work to distract a person’s attention from the hurt or shame experienced by the Exile by leading them to engage in impulsive behaviors like over-eating, drug use, fighting, inappropriate sex.
Self – We all have a true self, even people who’s experiences are dominated by parts. 
The WORK then….is to un blend from the parts. The work is to step outside yourself for a moment, and notice what is happening when one of your parts is taking over (shutting you down, raging, engaging in a maladaptive coping strategy-addiction, exploding, depression, anxiety, retreating,etc). IF you stay with it, it will change.
Think of it as parenting yourself with compassion, calmness, clarity, curiosity, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness.
How to Un-Blend:
The Wheel of Awareness says: If you can notice something (anxiety) you are NOT that thing.
F’s of Unblending:
- Find the part in the body
- Focus on it
- How do you Feel about it, leads to analyzing
- Be-Friend the part. Become curious why she’s there in the first place. That part wants to protect you.
- Validate and negotiate all Fears.
This is the work. It won’t change over night. Most of your parts have been with you since childhood and it is their knee jerk reaction to protect you. Notice them. Pop outside yourself and compassionately observe yourself while you are having a strong emotion. Ask yourself what it is about. Tell yourself that your life is in fact NOT in danger. There is no bear in the room about to attack you, rather, it is just a part that wants to protect you. Take slow, deep, regular breaths and begin to calm yourself down. Become curious about that part and try to identify why she was there in that moment. Calmly ask it gently to release your stomach. Allow SELF to speak with confidence. Every time you do, SELF grows a little more and your parts become a little smaller.
So, this is the work for all of us!
If you feel overwhelmed by your parts and you need help in this area, you are welcome to contact me and I can put you in touch with a fabulous therapist in Kelowna. Sometimes our journey needs a little outside guidance. I have been and will continue to go when I need an outside voice to remind me what it looks like to live with vulnerability.
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