A client of mine told me such a sad story.
She told me that her husband’s mom was in town visiting. My client said that she has been trying to encourage her mom-in-law to go to the gym or even to get out and to do some walking, as she had become quite sedentary and was beginning to slow down substantially. The mom-in-law had told her that she had finally decided to go and attend one of the classes at her local gym. As the elderly woman walked into the class and looked around at all of the other women, she seized with fear and hurried into the changing room, where she confessed to her daughter-in-law, that she cried her eyes out.
WHAT WAS THE STORY THAT SHE TOLD HERSELF?
Can you imagine it? You finally muster up the courage to go and attend a class to become more healthy. You want to take care of yourself. You know you need to exercise and you have finally decided to give it another go. You’re nervous. Betty was suppose to meet you there, but she had a doctor’s appointment that day. But you tell yourself that you can do this, what is there to be afraid of? Then you walk into the class and what do you see? Other women, maybe in groups, laughing and chatting together, having fun waiting for the start. Maybe there doesn’t appear to be a spot for you. Maybe you see someone you have ill feelings toward. Maybe walking into that room reminds you of something uncomfortable…
Whatever it was, there certainly was a story that she told herself about that situation and that story sent her running from the gym and back into her car without ever attending the class.
What kind of story can do that?
A story that says, “I am too fat to be here, I don’t belong”, or “I will never keep up with all of these other women, they are fit and I am not”, or “I won’t be accepted”, or “Everyone knows what they are doing but I do not, I will feel like an outsider”.
Brene Brown says that the most dangerous stories are the ones that we make up in the midst of struggle. We are neurobiologically hard-wired to make sense of that struggle/failure and if we can come up with a story , our brain chemically rewards us for that story, whether it’s accurate or not. When you fall, the stories you make up about yourself, give you the most access to understand what is happening behind the scenes of the story.
I’ll tell you a story that I made up.
For years we told our children that if they wanted to have Instagram then they had to have us added to their accounts. My daughter always complied (mainly because she didn’t have a choice), but there was never anything for me to say or judge about her pictures and so she happily added me. Fast forward and now she is 14 years old and wanting to express herself a little more and create more independence from her parents.
Apparently, she wants a bit of privacy.
I understand this. I did the same thing when I was her age.
So one day when I went to check out her account to see if there were any new posts, I discovered that I was no longer added. So, the whole privacy/technology thing aside… (everyone has their own parental opinions and rights to view their children’s accounts for however long they choose, so it’s fine if you don’t agree with me) I felt completely gutted.
In an instant, the story I told myself was that she doesn’t want to be close to me, that I am not a good enough mom, and that I did something wrong.
My reptile brain sprung into action and because I had those thoughts, what followed were feelings of sadness, incompetence, and an anxiousness that confirmed my fears.
So I got to sit with THAT for a few moments until I allowed my rational brain to take over and tell me what was actually happening. Actually, she was growing up and she wanted her independence. Not even an hour after I noticed that she had removed me from Instagram did she come downstairs and practically sit on my lap while we watched a movie. That was followed by baking cookies together and then an all out chase around the kitchen island.
“The most dangerous stories are the ones that we make up in the midst of struggle.”
~Brene Brown
So what happens when you believe these stories?
When you believe a story that is not true, it alters your behaviour. Let’s take the mom-in-law in the first story as an example. I am not entirely sure of what she believed because I didn’t speak with her, but the story that she told herself caused her to run from the class and cry. The one thing that she had planned to do to get healthy and put herself on the list, was now being sabotaged by her inner critic. In my story, I could have so easily just put up a wall and shut down from my daughter. I could have said to myself, “Well, if she is taking me off Instagram, then I am never opening up and being vulnerable with her.”
No thank you to that ending.
The way to change that inner dialogue is to recognize that it is taking place. The fastest way to do that is to pay attention to your REACTIVITY. When you have an intense reaction, it means that something is going on inside of you. That is the exact moment to ask yourself this question:
What is the story I am making up right now?
Be honest and real about your response. Then become curious about it. Take a close look at why that story so easily came into your mind. Finally, gently and compassionately tell yourself the true story. Let us not allow the inner critic to take away our opportunities to experience joy, peace, love and fun in our lives.
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