I pulled up to my client’s house, hopped out of the car and rang the doorbell.
“I should have cancelled”, she groaned, the moment the door opened. Her cold had returned and she was having one of those days. We walked upstairs and I told her to hop on the treadmill to warm up. As she did, I began to probe a little deeper into what had her feeling so low.
She began to unfold the events of what was intended to be a lovely Easter weekend, but that had turned out to be an incredible let down and disappointment. Family members bumping up against each other’s personalities, promises not kept, and feelings hurt.
There’s a quote that reads, “No expectations, no disappointments”.
Right. I’ll get right on that.
I’ll expect no one to hold their promises, no one to get along, no one to be there for me, no one to value the family unit. When you put it that way, it sounds self-sacrificing and incredibly lonely.
Of course we have expectations of others, that’s a given. You are there for a friend, it would be really nice if the friend were there for you. You take time to listen to a sibling, it would be really nice if the sibling would listen to you. I don’t think that it is wrong that we expect reciprocation from those around us, especially those we love, but the part that I am always curious about in myself, is how I respond when a situation arises when someone doesn’t meet my expectations.
One of the ways that I deal with it, is to avoid.
It’s something that I’ve done since my childhood. Don’t rock the boat baby, don’t tip the boat over (thank you Hues Corporation!).
The problem with that response, is that the real me is never truly heard. I keep strong opinions, feelings, emotions, and thoughts to myself because to me it feels safer that way. In reality, it is more damaging to my spirit than anything else.
I’ve also learned that in my marriage when I deploy this tactic, it is unfair to Quentin. When I don’t hold onto myself and use my voice, I allow him to believe everything is okay, when sometimes it’s not. When I avoid tension while parenting the kids, I am always the good cop, and by default I automatically give Quentin the bad cop badge. He’s rarely had the opportunity to BE the good cop. When I avoid a sticky situation with a friend or family member, I potentially lose out on the depth that relationship could go to if I just stayed in the pocket instead of withdrawing.
Maybe you’ve learned that your best tactic to shut someone down is to be loud and vocal and use your words to get what you want. Everyone is going to have their own way of reacting, but one thing we all have in common as humans is that it all points back to deeper underlying feelings of sadness, shame and fear.
I avoid intense situations because I would rather take one for the team than to face the possibility of being ignored or rejected. What I am learning over the years is that my deepest fear, is rarely realized. And, more importantly, even if my deepest fear did come true (rejection), I could be okay.
Knowing that I will be okay now opens the door for me to move toward conflict (don’t get me wrong, I’m not racing toward it as fast as I can), so that I might resolve it. It opens the door for me to be vulnerable, knowing that it may not be received. It even opens the door for me to put on my bad-ass big girl pants and once in a while….be the bad cop.
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