I don’t like confrontation. I never have. I will avoid it at all costs and do everything in my power to be seen as perfect so that there is nothing to ever confront.
Earlier this winter, I was driving home from dropping my daughter off at dance. It was dark by the time I was returning home and slick out as well so I was going fairly slow. Our house is in front of an easement road and I was making the sharp turn to go onto it. In hindsight I glanced a little too long to the right up the hill to ensure no cars were coming, then proceeded to turn left onto the road when suddenly my lights shone brightly on a man and his dog crossing in front of me.
There was no street light there to illuminate him and the moment that my lights flashed on him, I stopped, but he was NOT happy. I did a little wave and mouthed sorry and then he flipped up his finger as if to say, “What the hell! Watch where you’re going! You stupid driver!” (My interpretation).
Now, this has happened to me before. I’ve been the victim and I’ve been the accused and the moment that someone recognizes the fault and admits it, generally the intense situation is diffused and all is well in the world. I forgive you…you forgive me…and we are all just one big happy family again.
Not so with Mr. Walk My Dog In The Dark With No Reflectors.
As quickly as I could undo my window to catch him before he left I huffed, “I SAID I was sorry. I didn’t see you there as there is no street light!”
He said, “WELL OPEN YOUR EYES NEXT TIME!”
Huh. (So we’re doing it this way?)
And then, as if possessed by the demon of impeccable driving abilities, I started to freak out.
I shouted, “When someone says they’re sorry, the right thing to do is to say that’s ok!!(He didn’t have to say anything, he was entitled to feel and say exactly what he did). “Everyone is allowed to make mistakes you know!?” (Right, so is my freaking out at him going to make him less or more justified in his flipping me the bird?)”Next time, wear reflectors!!”
Then without allowing him a chance to respond, I zipped up my car window and sped off toward my garage.
I walked inside, my heart racing, palms sweating, literally reacting as though I had encountered a life threatening situation. Like there was a bear chasing me, or a tiger in the car with me. But no, it was none of the above. Someone was simply upset at me, and called me out on not being a defensive driver in that situation.
When I finally had a moment to settle down and re think what had happened, this was my conclusion:
I don’t like confrontation. I never have. I will avoid it at all costs and do everything in my power to be seen as perfect so that there is nothing to ever confront. The story that I believed growing up was that if I wasn’t perfect, then people that I loved would withdraw from me, and I would be alone.
As an adult, I know that it is not true but my 12 year old lizard brain can’t seem to get the memo.
She still thinks it’s not okay to make mistakes. She thinks that if someone is mad at her then the relationship will likely end. She’s afraid of failure, afraid to be vulnerable, afraid to be seen as imperfect or weak.
So, when she is faced with those realities; when someone is angry at her or when she’s made a mistake and someone calls her out, she reacts to that memory and defends herself like a mad woman. She uses her voice, she makes others feel stupid, and she runs.
It’s funny how I had such clarity about the situation AFTER it happened and not in the moment. I suppose it’s not easy for many of us to notice our own reactivity in the moment though. It is such an ingrained response; a knee jerk reaction. And yet, it can be a moment of learning if we choose it to be.
Steps to understanding my reactivity:
- I can recognize what my triggers are. What types of situations cause my 12 year old self to take over?
- I can have compassion for my 12 year old self who desperately wants to defend herself and be seen as perfect. She is there for a reason; I can be curious about what it may be.
- Know my triggers and be prepared to remind myself that my life is in fact not in danger and that my response doesn’t need to reflect that it is.
- I can remind myself that I am allowed to make mistakes, that I don’t have to be perfect to be loved and accepted.
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