The tyranny of perfectionism is that I want it, and I hate it.
I always hated getting in trouble.
Whatever I could do to ensure that I stayed away from parental scorn, I would do it. Initially, I don’t know how or why that developed, but as I began to grow up, I could see many defining moments that solidified my desire to stay out of trouble, or, in other words, to be perfect.
When I was 16 years old, I thought I was pregnant.
Let me just say that it would have been the second case of immaculate conception because at that point, I had never had sex. I grew up going to church and my fear of getting into trouble from God was a close second to my parents. That being said, being a pregnant teen who was actively involved in the church, just wouldn’t do and in spite of the fact that I hadn’t had sex, my young fearful brain believed that I was.
It’s always amusing to look back and laugh at how little you actually knew about how the reproductive system worked, but somehow I convinced myself that my belly button was now protruding and that was the start of the umbilical cord growing. I kept poking at it, panicking, until my friends or schoolwork distracted me. I couldn’t ignore it. The next time I looked at it, there was dried blood inside and then I was in a full 10/10 panic attack.
I was so afraid.
I wasn’t even really afraid of God, but rather terrified of my parent’s reaction. I was paralyzed by my fear. The only way I knew how to manage that in the moment, was to be as close to my mom as possible. The fear of her shock, disappointment, sadness, anger and possible withdrawal was so palpable one night, that I got out of my bed and as a 16-year-old, rushed up to her side of the bed and asked if I could sleep with her. She recalls that story today but at the time, had no idea why I was there that night.
Fast forward to today and part of my coping mechanism, from that moment and so many more like it, has been to try to be perfect. I try not to make mistakes, try not to upset the apple cart, try to come across as having it all together because for me, that’s a much safer place to be. In my mind, It ensures connection and it is comforting to me.
Yet, here’s the rub: What attracts me the MOST to another human being, is brokenness, not perfection. The tyranny of perfectionism is that I want it, and I hate it. As a younger woman, it always felt like a necessary evil. Being perfect equaled love, acceptance, closeness, friendship, admiration, and safety. As a more mature woman, it feels like a cloak I no longer want or need to wear. Sometimes though, it is such a natural part of my wardrobe, that I don’t even notice it, until someone points it out.
I walked up to a former client at the gym the other day, she was givin’ er on the Elliptical and I made the comment, “Good for you!” She commented that she is really enjoying all of the posts and recipes that I have been putting out over the years but that she still struggles with focusing on her health. Our short 5 minute conversation quickly went deep into a discussion about being a middle-aged woman, fitting in fitness, paying attention to nutrition and why we overeat. I responded that I understood and how I over eat at times because I feel inadequate. She literally stopped the Elliptical and with eyes as big as saucers blurted out, “YOU feel inadequate?? I thought you were perfect!”
Noooooo!
I want it, I hate it. What a dichotomy.
So, that’s my work.
In my business there’s a fine balance that I have to find. That is the balance between putting my best foot forward (professionalism) and being real, giving people hope by being an example and being vulnerable with my own struggles.
In my relationships it’s trusting myself enough to be okay making mistakes and to hold onto myself when I fear that my thoughts, words or actions might upset someone and cause them to withdraw.
In my nutrition it’s recognizing that feelings of inadequacy will drive me to medicate with food. In those moments, what I am really longing for is connection.
So here is my gentle reminder to myself: Be real and vulnerable with your life. You don’t have to be perfect. Trust yourself and hold onto yourself when connection feels threatened. Remember to move toward people with whom you feel safe and connected.
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